Thinking about Mother Goose

I’m not totally sure that I grew up correctly. Sure, I was given adequate freedom, I love loved, and I was fed. We went on vacations and my brothers and I all became relatively well-thought of members of our own communities. That’s not what I mean.

I take our daughter and son to a lot of activities, some of which take place at the library. During such stints in circles of moms who dote over their own kids and take up too much space of their own, we sing songs and recite nursery rhymes.

(Side note really quickly: If you’re a mom who set her shit down, double wide, and parks yourself down on the carpet at these things, never moving aside even a smidge for someone else, f*** you. When I go to these things, I’m going with a diaper bag and two kid, one of whom is mobile, the other stationary in a car seat. We take up as little room as possible and then we scoot aside for people as they come in. I don’t know if it’s because I’m a dad no one moves for me, but it’s bullshit. There are some wonderful, caring, and thoughtful moms out there, but there are an awful lot of selfish moms who are assholes and their kids are going to grow up to be assholes too. These moms are rude and terrible people who don’t hold doors and don’t say “thank you” or “excuse me” because “ohmygod i’m a mom and my hands are so full.” No one’s hands are too full to be considerate; no one is too overwhelmed to acknowledge someone doing something helpful. The end.)

We do these nursery rhymes by Mother Goose and I know NONE of them. Holy shit what are these rhymes. Secondly, they’re really outdated and stupid. Why do we teach them? There are many ways to teach language and cadence and rhymes. Think about it:

“The butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker …” What the FUCK is a candlestick maker?

“All the kings horses, all the kings men …” Our kids don’t know kings and their men. What year were these things written, 1845? This isn’t the Constitution. We can change things. (Yes, that’s a dig on people who think we should still strictly adhere to a 250 year old document)

“Tuffet … eating curds and whey?” What is a tuffet? I don’t even know what curds and whey are. What a stupid fucking nursery rhyme.

“Jack and Jill went up this hill to fetch a pale of water …” Who goes up a hill to get water? Who uses a bucket? Use the hose. Doesn’t your refrigerator have a water faucet? Jesus these things are dumb.

There’s gotta be a better way to do this, right? We can’t update rhymes to reflect our society? Drives me nuts.


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